"Gawd, it makes me laugh"

"What's that?"

"Comedy ... it's a very funny thing."

So now, for your risible delectation...

I love going down to the local school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but of course, they don't know I'm using blanks.

If I lived in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey, look, he's carrying a soldering iron" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of Justice!" Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of Justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year but I told that story around a campfire one night and nobody got scared.

If you ever catch fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words, "mank" and "ind", What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come along and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, well boy, I just don't know what to tell you.

When I die, I would like to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" But it turns out that he meant something different.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he is completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man!"

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer management.

Mum always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason", she said, "Boy, you ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."

Labels: Humour